i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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