You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
