Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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