peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
