I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
