I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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