Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
