i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
