I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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