Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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