bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
