xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
