Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Randomize
