in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
