I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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