I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
