Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
