Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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