the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
