no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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