could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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