and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
