Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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