Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
