you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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