yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Randomize
