I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so let's talk penis.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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