in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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