he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
