the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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