At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
