So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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