I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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