He disabled his match.com account in front of me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
