Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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