Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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