a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
