my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Randomize
