just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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