do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
