i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
