More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
