I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
