oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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