God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
