I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
