the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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