Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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