apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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