So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
is wine microwaveable?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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